'Here's something that didn't make it into my Disaster Diary. When I was sick in Helsinki, I developed an 'all occasions' postcard. Just cross out the words that don't apply...'

Dear *best friend/ worst enemy/ grandparent/ cousin/ dog minder,

The *family/ zombies and I have arrived *safely/ in a blizzard/ unexpectedly

and are having a *great time/ big argument

in *Paris/ London/ I-can't-remember/ other please state __________.

I hope you *are/aren't too.

*Wow!/ Man oh man!/ By Jingo!

You should see the *animals/ museums/ hotels/ streets/ gardens/ local people.

They are really * amazing/ a maze, *cool/ freezing, *wicked/ bad, *wonderfully fragrant/ smelly.

The food here is *incredible/ inedible.

The weather is *nice/ like ice and the *snow/ waves/ ice-cream comes up to my waist.

Thinking of you and wishing you were *here/ having a nightmare/ would write back/ don't eat the dog's food like last time.

Yours *truly/ secretly/ from another planet, _________________